WRITING 201 ASSIGNMENT 2 INSTRUCTIONAL :
Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings. For some, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives, providing a source of fulfillment outside of ourselves. But the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not all innate. Failed relationships happen. Breakups can be so hard, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. The loss of your relationship can bring on intense heartache and stress. But there are plenty of things you can do to get through this difficult time and move on. You can even learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.
WHO IS AFFECTED MORE BY A BREAKUP, THE BOY OR THE GIRL?
According to a study that was published in an issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, this is very well the case. The study of more than 1,000 men and women of 18 to 23 years of age shows that a broken heart hurts men more than women. “The researchers found that breakups cause men more emotional grief, and that they feel their identity and self-worth threatened more.”
In my experience, men and women both suffer equally. However, they both express their grief in different ways, have different belief-systems when it comes to their recovery and they both attach different weight to the various stresses in a break-up.
Someone once said that-
“Ever seen two kids playing with a rubber band? Two innocent kids holding on to a rubber band and both stretching it.
Do you know who gets hurt when the rubber band breaks or if someone lets go?
The person holding on to it…”
The one you are still in Love even after the breakup….
The other just moves on… while the one who was really in love is never able to love someone else the way he loved his/her ONE.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE THE LOSS OF THE RELATIONSHIP:
Remember that moving on is the end goal: Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future: When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future, you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression: Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.
DEAL WITH YOUR HATE PHASE:
This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It’s a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.
UNHEALTHY WAYS OF COPING WITH BREAKUP:
In an attempt to cope, we sometimes try to avoid our feelings. We react by obsessing or being preoccupied with our lost love, withdrawing from others and retreating into fantasy, immersing ourselves into other relationships or coursework, or trying to find a “fix”—using our addictions to numb the pain and escape the situation. These types of reactions and attempts to cope frequently create deeper despair.
COPING WITH BREAK UP:
Give yourself a break: Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.
Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings: It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time.
DON’T RETHINK YOUR DECISION:
If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not yours. It’s very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren’t so bad after all, that maybe you could just live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just how you feel, he/she wouldn’t want to break up after all. Don’t play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
RESPECT YOURSELF DURING BREAKUP:
Don’t beg: He broke up with you. He’s already made up his mind. No matter how shocked, panicked, and in pain you are, don’t beg him for another chance. It’s very hard to do, but try hard not to cry too much – of course, it may be impossible not to cry. But crying a little, then saying, “I’m so sad about this, but if that’s your decision, I have no choice but to accept it,” is much more dignified than screaming, “No, don’t leave me! I’ll do anything you want me to!!” Let him leave and then pitch your hysterical fit.
Never let him see you sweat: Once the big breakup is over with, don’t keep on letting him get to you. Even if you don’t feel like it, go get dressed up and go out with your friends. You don’t have to get drunk, or try to pick up guys (like they may be doing), but just to go and hang with pals is a good thing. Try to avoid going to places where you will be likely to run into him. If you do see him while you’re out, just smile and nod. If you feel like you might cry, excuse yourself and walk to the restroom. Do your crying in there, and don’t come out till you look strong again (even if you feel shaky inside, you must try your best to look like you’re okay).
TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS:
You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you’ll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net. J
WRITE ALL YOUR FEELINGS DOWN:
Write in a journal or Diary or try writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely honest and don’t edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you’ve been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you’re meant to be.
Ideally, as you work through this process of recovery you will begin to make new choices for yourself and feel better. Loss “takes time” to heal from. However, if you let yourself grieve, acknowledge the loss, focus on learning from your experience, and spend your energy concentrating on yourself… with time you will find yourself “moving on”. Whether this means you choose to remain single or enter into new romantic relationships, you will notice you feel differently than you did in the beginning and realize you are now doing things differently as well.
I conclude my talk about Break up’s with Coco J. Ginger’s famous quote which I truly believe and feel the same-
“Sometimes you want to say, “I love you, but…”
Yet the “but” takes away the ‘I love you’. In love there are no ‘buts’ or ‘if’s’ or ‘when’. It’s just there, and always. No beginning, no end. It’s the condition-less state of the heart. Not a feeling that comes and goes at the whim of the emotions. It is there in our heart, a part of our heart…eventually grafting itself into each limb and cell of our bodies. Love changes our brain, the way we move and talk. Love lives in our spirit and graces us with its presence each day, until death.
To say “I love you, but….” is to say, “I did not love you at all”.
I say this to you now: I love you, with no beginning, no end. I love you as you have become an extra necessary organ in my body. I love you as only a girl could love a boy. Without fear. Without expectations. Wanting nothing in return, except that you allow me to keep you here in my heart, that I may always know your strength, your eyes, and your spirit that gave me freedom and let me fly.”
― Coco J. Ginger